Fortunate Blessings

I really wish that I recorded more of the things that I felt somewhere. I used to write in a journal nearly every day, saying things that would remind me of something good, bad, useless, or very meaningful. And now it almost seems to me that the past 8 months have been a heavy blur. I honestly can't remember from September to about February, and I'm actually relatively happy that I don't. I mean, I could remember the horrible times where I thought that this could be it for me, but why bother?

I'd rather erase you than keep you close to my heart. Ain't that a shame?

I have never realized that before March 12th, no man has ever given me the time that I deserve. No man has treated me like a human being, for that matter. Not even as a friend. We all have our stories, and this is only mine. I feel like such a fool for letting myself be trampled on. My best friend in the universe had always told me that but I mean, I never really thought much of it. And finally, when I find someone who cares for me more than anyone else in this world, it's gonna end. Haha. I do most certainly put myself in the worst positions. But I would rather have had the chance to grow relationships with people rather than being miserable and whiny. Both, which I am.

He actually makes me smile, laugh, and forget about the world. I can't even describe it, it's beyond words. But when you live for rather simple things (like the water on your face when you swim, literally smelling the flowers, or just breathing), you come to terms with yourself, and you realize that maybe the people you meet are truly something. We are fortunate to find love, but inevitably, we are fortunate either way.

And would hearing that make you smile?
..I am.

Bad News Bears

There must not be hope in a world where terrible things happen to the best kinds of people.

There are many things I believe in. Many have been deteriorating, and I am slowly watching my own self become more mature, relative, and coherent. These are all things that I wished to be once. What is it, that we are searching for in our lives? Are we searching to please the greatest amount of people? To feel accepted, to feel wanted, and loved, and needed?

..Or are we just mindlessly playing games with each other?

I am very honest. I just can't hide things anymore. I will go mad. Balance is key. I'm not saying that I'm going to be openly honest with everything and everyone, because there is always a time and a place to back away from.

It always hurts. It's lurking in the shadows, and I've somehow fallen in love with the intricate strings attached to everyone I know. If only I could find a way to make it stop; I don't want it to be there anymore. Simplicity, isn't it something we all need to learn?

If our ignorance doesn't eat us alive, our guilty conscience will.

Remain as I am, bid farewell, and not give a damn.

For once, there is something to be happy about. Something to smile about, that makes life worth living.

How could I have been such a simple child, that only cared for something that I considered true love? When all along, it was nothing. Simply, eloquently put, false.

It makes me wonder what I really was searching for with my life before I've grown. Before I have grown up, and realized that there is so much more than life. Like wine, like blood. As in the simple moments in life that just matter, and only matter to me.

Serious soul searching. For every man that I've hurt, I did not do it knowingly. For every argument, fight, contact, or conversation that I've ever had. So I am holding up my glass for every good and bad life memory in which I have. It's not the end, it never will be.

A new beginning for every rotten piece of decay. It's a natural process, which we seem to forget. I learn through every action, and I'm making myself better every day. Slowly finding that my priorities need to be changed, and slowly have been since January. Maybe that should have been my New Year's Resolution. Indeed, it should have, but instead, mine was to put myself first, and to forget about everyone else's needs until I am satisfied. As egotistical as one may perceive such a habit, it's necessary.

I know the things I am teaching myself are not profound; Rather, they are the basic necessities needed in order to survive in such a world as we are seeing today. For once, I can smile and truly mean it.

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I hate myself for lovin' you and the weakness that it showed.
You were just a painted face on a trip down Suicide Road.
The stage was set, the lights went out all around the old hotel,
I hate myself for lovin' you and I'm glad the curtain fell.

I hate that foolish game we played and the need that was expressed,
And the mercy that you showed to me, who ever would have guessed?
I went out on Lower Broadway and I felt that place within,
That hollow place where martyrs weep and angels play with sin.

Heard your songs of freedom and man forever stripped,
Acting out his folly while his back is being whipped.
Like a slave in orbit, he's beaten 'til he's tame,
All for a moment's glory and it's a dirty, rotten shame.

There are those who worship loneliness, I'm not one of them.
In this age of fiberglass I'm searching for a gem.
The crystal ball up on the wall hasn't shown me nothing yet,
I've paid the price of solitude, but at last I'm out of debt.

Can't recall a useful thing you ever did for me
'Cept pat me on the back one time when I was on my knees.
We stared into each other's eyes 'til one of us would break,
No use to apologize, what diff'rence would it make?

So sing your praise of progress and of the Doom Machine,
The naked truth is still taboo whenever it can be seen.
Lady Luck, who shines on me, will tell you where I'm at,
I hate myself for lovin' you, but I should get over that.