Fortunate Blessings

I really wish that I recorded more of the things that I felt somewhere. I used to write in a journal nearly every day, saying things that would remind me of something good, bad, useless, or very meaningful. And now it almost seems to me that the past 8 months have been a heavy blur. I honestly can't remember from September to about February, and I'm actually relatively happy that I don't. I mean, I could remember the horrible times where I thought that this could be it for me, but why bother?

I'd rather erase you than keep you close to my heart. Ain't that a shame?

I have never realized that before March 12th, no man has ever given me the time that I deserve. No man has treated me like a human being, for that matter. Not even as a friend. We all have our stories, and this is only mine. I feel like such a fool for letting myself be trampled on. My best friend in the universe had always told me that but I mean, I never really thought much of it. And finally, when I find someone who cares for me more than anyone else in this world, it's gonna end. Haha. I do most certainly put myself in the worst positions. But I would rather have had the chance to grow relationships with people rather than being miserable and whiny. Both, which I am.

He actually makes me smile, laugh, and forget about the world. I can't even describe it, it's beyond words. But when you live for rather simple things (like the water on your face when you swim, literally smelling the flowers, or just breathing), you come to terms with yourself, and you realize that maybe the people you meet are truly something. We are fortunate to find love, but inevitably, we are fortunate either way.

And would hearing that make you smile?
..I am.

Bad News Bears

There must not be hope in a world where terrible things happen to the best kinds of people.

There are many things I believe in. Many have been deteriorating, and I am slowly watching my own self become more mature, relative, and coherent. These are all things that I wished to be once. What is it, that we are searching for in our lives? Are we searching to please the greatest amount of people? To feel accepted, to feel wanted, and loved, and needed?

..Or are we just mindlessly playing games with each other?

I am very honest. I just can't hide things anymore. I will go mad. Balance is key. I'm not saying that I'm going to be openly honest with everything and everyone, because there is always a time and a place to back away from.

It always hurts. It's lurking in the shadows, and I've somehow fallen in love with the intricate strings attached to everyone I know. If only I could find a way to make it stop; I don't want it to be there anymore. Simplicity, isn't it something we all need to learn?

If our ignorance doesn't eat us alive, our guilty conscience will.

Remain as I am, bid farewell, and not give a damn.

For once, there is something to be happy about. Something to smile about, that makes life worth living.

How could I have been such a simple child, that only cared for something that I considered true love? When all along, it was nothing. Simply, eloquently put, false.

It makes me wonder what I really was searching for with my life before I've grown. Before I have grown up, and realized that there is so much more than life. Like wine, like blood. As in the simple moments in life that just matter, and only matter to me.

Serious soul searching. For every man that I've hurt, I did not do it knowingly. For every argument, fight, contact, or conversation that I've ever had. So I am holding up my glass for every good and bad life memory in which I have. It's not the end, it never will be.

A new beginning for every rotten piece of decay. It's a natural process, which we seem to forget. I learn through every action, and I'm making myself better every day. Slowly finding that my priorities need to be changed, and slowly have been since January. Maybe that should have been my New Year's Resolution. Indeed, it should have, but instead, mine was to put myself first, and to forget about everyone else's needs until I am satisfied. As egotistical as one may perceive such a habit, it's necessary.

I know the things I am teaching myself are not profound; Rather, they are the basic necessities needed in order to survive in such a world as we are seeing today. For once, I can smile and truly mean it.

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I hate myself for lovin' you and the weakness that it showed.
You were just a painted face on a trip down Suicide Road.
The stage was set, the lights went out all around the old hotel,
I hate myself for lovin' you and I'm glad the curtain fell.

I hate that foolish game we played and the need that was expressed,
And the mercy that you showed to me, who ever would have guessed?
I went out on Lower Broadway and I felt that place within,
That hollow place where martyrs weep and angels play with sin.

Heard your songs of freedom and man forever stripped,
Acting out his folly while his back is being whipped.
Like a slave in orbit, he's beaten 'til he's tame,
All for a moment's glory and it's a dirty, rotten shame.

There are those who worship loneliness, I'm not one of them.
In this age of fiberglass I'm searching for a gem.
The crystal ball up on the wall hasn't shown me nothing yet,
I've paid the price of solitude, but at last I'm out of debt.

Can't recall a useful thing you ever did for me
'Cept pat me on the back one time when I was on my knees.
We stared into each other's eyes 'til one of us would break,
No use to apologize, what diff'rence would it make?

So sing your praise of progress and of the Doom Machine,
The naked truth is still taboo whenever it can be seen.
Lady Luck, who shines on me, will tell you where I'm at,
I hate myself for lovin' you, but I should get over that.

Love is blind

A long time since I've written.. and I apologize, to whoever views this ol' blog anyway.

Let me see.. I have been to many shows, viewing the Ottawa scene, and also shopping like a mad man downtown.

Bands such as:
Every Time I Die
The Tony Danza Tapdancing Extravaganza
A Life once Lost
Bob Dylan
Barry and the Blasters
(and very soon) Farewell to Freeway

I have merely been taking some time, figuring out what matters in life. Figuring out what's right, what is worth it. I have been at war with myself, trying to find that light that will shine and show me the way. Haven't gotten one of those "I am drunk, I miss you" calls for much too long. I lost you the day I left you. I don't know how much you think of me, how much you wonder what I think of, but my love is still there. And as much as I don't want it to, it ain't going away. Might as well keep you my secret for now.

I miss the way we used to laugh together. Who you were.. was it all a facade? Was it something merely to keep me going? Are you a lie? Who are you kidding. Show us who you are.

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In such short time since I've had you
Somehow you could erase me
Just a smudge on your lines
Just please don't forget who you are, who you were to me
I have only been patient with your words
or lack thereof

There ain't no sense in crying
Because the tears I have wouldn't matter anyway
So I wrote this song for you
One day you could be a man
One day you could hold the world in your hands
The world could be yours

To long for someone
To miss the lips of the parted lover
I have never been so lonely
But it is a road which I must travel

Eat, Sleep, Repeat.

This time, I'm not going to let you bring me down. I'm moving on, without you, because all you do is bring stress. All you do is bring me down. I've lost sight of who I am, and gave so much more into this. You're selfish, ignorant, and immature. Don't tell me that I need to grow up, because I don't. I don't need any of this, and still, I've put myself into it. Thrown myself into so many relationships that just.. fail.

And you know what? I'm not going to be the one to regret the choices I make. Someday, in your life, you will think that this is all a mistake. And then you'll lay in your bed at night, worrying about it. Not being able to sleep, not being able to eat, and you will have to live with what you've created.

I hope you do. I hope you never fucking forget this. I am not the loser in this situation; You are. One day, it will get to you, and it will eat you alive. You've already broken my heart, so how about, for a second, you think of what you're missing out on - someone who cares, someone who was willing to be with you, even thousands of miles away. Someone who believed distance was nothing. That love could prevail. But you took that from me, and it will never be the same.

I hope it was worth it.

The Kids Just Want A Love Song

A very good day. Very good.

This morning, I woke up in a rage for some reason, but slowly, as I awoke, I decided there was no need for such anger. Obviously, I was just in a frenzy because usually every morning I wake up angry. I have to learn what that's all about.

Anyway, I decided staying home all day wouldn't do me any good, so I thought of that coffee shop I went to earlier in the week with my class, dressed myself, and off I went to adventure. Bridgehead Coffee House - if you live in the Ottawa area, I suggest you check it out. There's many around town, but the one on Richmond is awesome. So I took the bus, went to Westboro, and drank some delicious coffee (and ate a delicious sandwich) while reading about 60 pages of John Stuart Mill's Utilitarianism essay. It was good, I learned alot - took many notes. So now I understand what the hell I'm supposed to be learning in that class. Unfortunately, I have to read 350 pages in my other book, because I'm so far behind. Oh well, that's my fault.

After 3 hours of mindless reading, I went up to the American Apparel, and saw nothing that I had in mind to purchase. Then I went to a place called Mrs. Tiggywinkles, and had a good laugh at all the products they have there. Some of the stuff is just so ridiculous - like a book on How to Get Fat, Stickers for the shower (so you don't slip and die) which were conveniently in the banana shape, haha. I thought they were cute. Someday, I might buy them for my future home.

I downloaded an artist that I should have been listening to for a long time, it almost makes me upset that I haven't listened to him before now. Ben Harper - I know, have I been living under a rock or what? haha. Anyways, I want to share some lyrics because the way he writes is simple, yet one of the most powerful artists I've ever heard in my life.

Off to work on an assignment due Tuesday.

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Welcome to the cruel world.
Hope you find your way.
Welcome to the cruel world.
Hope you find your way.

Oh- Oh- it's a cruel world.
Try to enjoy your stay.
Yes, it is a cruel world when you're tryin' to get by.
Oh- Oh- it's a cruel world when you're tryin', when you've seen the look in their eye.
Makes life hard living but I'm so, so scared to die.

Welcome to the cruel world, welcome.

Don't know how we've lasted here so long.
There must be more good than bad or we'd already be gone.
And if you get up to Heaven before I do, I'm gonna tell ya, it's gonna be cruel there too.
You can't hide from this cruel world cause there is no place to run.
You can't hide from the cruel world there just is no place to run.
It's been cruel from the beginning, it will be cruel when we're done.
So when I'm gone, I will gladly say goodbye.
When I am gone, I will gladly say goodbye,
and if you want to feel me, put your hands up to the sky.

Welcome to the cruel world,
Hope you find your way.
Try to enjoy your stay.

The Prime Post

Welcome to my Subterranean Homesick Blues.

This blog's intention is merely humble. I intend on blogging mostly of my days, spots in Otawa which are awesome, music that I find rather intriguing, my band, Vega, and anything else which might strike my mind as something worth writing about.

Now, I have a blog on myspace, and I write notes on Facebook, as per usual, but I've just grown so tired of having them so public. This way, the people who want to read what I have to say, will read it. That's it. So simple.

I really enjoy writing, reading, and listening to what other people have to say. It really interests me to hear about other people's lives, and how they go about their day. Since I've left the Bay, I have had lots of time on my hands in order to think about my lifestyle, and how I should change it. I believe that being social, meeting new people, gaining new friendships will be an essential part of my university experience, and in 4 years, I will have gained the knowledge to successfully lead a life that I wish to.

Alright, now on to what this blog is all about.

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My uncle just recently gave me some cd's with old blues, and essential reggae on them. I have never given the time to even listen to the blues, and all I can say is, why haven't I listened to it before?! Amazing bands, such quality talent. Comparing it to other styles of music is just ridiculous. It truly is. Anyway, here are some songs which I think you should listen to:

You Can't Lose What You Ain't Never Had - Muddy Waters
Pine Top's Boogie Woogie - Pine Top Smith
Key to the Highway - Big Bill Broonzy
Billie's Blues - Billie Holiday
(Obviously I would suggest this) Highway 61 Revisited - Bob Dylan

There are many other songs which I find attractive on these cd's, but I'll post those at a later date, I promise. There's something about the blues which you just can't avoid - the heart, and soul.

So, if music can produce such an emotion, why is it that I have a hard time telling people how I really feel? I'm hiding so many things from people, and it's so negative. I think that in time, I will teach myself how to be more open with my opinions, and feelings. It's so much easier.

Which leads me to think of my new life. So easy, so simple. All I want to do is relax, take some time to read some good books, not drink (because this is such a burden on my mind), and just enjoy life for what it is. Afterall, it is mine, and I can do whatever I please to enjoy myself.